I can't forget
by 0ceanship
Summary: "I can't forget it, though I've tried I know you regret it, love, You told me so many times."
1. To Meet Again

Why hello there.

I know that it has been a while since I've written anything.

If that upsets you, I apologize.

This is actually going to be something of a four-shot.

The title and description are from the song 'Love' by 'Daughter'.

It's super pretty.

Okay.

Bye.

…

Gray clouds hovered above the town, small droplets of rain falling, only to land atop of a mess of auburn curls. She cursed herself for deciding to take a walk at this time of night. Sighing into her phone, her eyes did a quick scan over her surroundings, deciding that perhaps, she'd get home before it really started to pour.

Perhaps, for the first time in what seemed like a long time, she'd be lucky.

"Looks like it's about to storm, Alli. I'll call you back, okay?" Ending the call, Clare Edwards quickly shuffled down the empty sidewalk, making her way toward her neighborhood as quick as humanly possible.

Her sparkly blat flats collided hastily with the cement as her pace quickened, a sprinkle of moisture quickly turning into something of a torrential downpour. Her curls clung to her face, and the thin application of mascara she'd applied earlier seemed like so much more as it slid down her cheeks. She came to a stop when she finally reached The Dot, it wasn't home, but it was somewhere familiar. She knew the area well enough in case she needed to wait until the storm subsided, and since her mother and Glen had gone out for the day, Clare had suspected she'd need to call in for other reinforcements.

Quickly pushing through the door, the sound of pounding rain became distant, and now only the gentle twinkling of a bell was heard. She slid into a booth near a window, bringing her fingers to her hair and tousling her soaked curls. Pulling her phone from her pocket, Clare surveyed it for water damage, sighing in relief as she noticed that no harm had been done.

She thought of someone to contact, someone to pick her up, but the more she thought, the more she realized how alone she truly was. And that only made this worse.

She'd just graduated, Adam and his family had gone on a celebratory vacation, Alli was away at school, not to mention Jake and Katie decided to tag along with Marisol and Mo on their road trip.

It'd been weeks since she'd accepted the diploma, weeks since she beamed at her reflection with pride, a golden 'valedictorian' sash, slung across her shoulder.

And even though she hadn't expected it, somehow she had the audacity to believe that Eli would show up. That he'd apologize for treating her so horribly. That he'd beg her to take him back, that he was miserable without her.

But he didn't.

And for some reason, after that moment, after that horrible, though expected, disappointment, all of the sadness she felt, all the pain he'd put her through, it was exchanged for a deep rooted fury.

Every time she heard his name, she felt as though she could scream, all of the things she never got to say were bubbling up inside of her and all she could do was nod and clench her fists when someone asked if they had split up.

She never did go to her junior prom.

She imagined him there, dancing and laughing and forgetting all about her.

Once she realized that her thoughts had drifted to him once more, Clare shook her head in shame, looking down at her hands on the table, surveying the familiar ring on her finger. She hadn't broken her vow, though it wasn't as if she hadn't gotten close.

A new love interest, a fellow senior with spiky brown hair and the body of an athlete. At first, things went well, they got along, and their dates were fun. But the longer they dated, the less patient he became.

She couldn't blame him for what he did, they all leave at some point.

But after a long night of studying for a big English test, Cliff looked up at her from across her dining room table and let out a disappointed sigh. "Clare, we really need to talk," he began, his voice was soft but it pierced through her painfully, and all at once, she knew what was coming.

He'd told her that he'd done something horrible, something he could never take back.

And he was very right.

After a long practice, he and the other football players had decided to clean up and go out to eat. Cliff, naturally, joined them and he met a girl, a junior, whose name Clare had never caught.

They slept together.

She could remember how hard she cried that night, how much she wanted to run over to his house and show him that she could be just as willing as the junior he met a couple weeks before, but more than anything, she realized that the person she truly wanted, the person she'd never stopped loving…he would have _never_ done that to her.

And that only made it worse.

Because he left, he left without even the smallest goodbye.

He left her here, and he didn't have one thing to say about it.  
She squeezed her eyes shut as the painful memories seemed to take over, a few tears slipped away, and it wasn't long before she forced herself to think of all the good things.

For instance, her acceptance into U of T, something she'd worked so hard for.

Her home life, it was finally stable, her mother was happy and there wasn't any tension between the ex-lovers, now living as step siblings.

She and Alli had remained close, talking on the phone once a day while Alli continued her studies.

Things were better, and life had truly seemed to be moving on.

Looking outside, a small smile etched onto her lips. She'd read that rain is a symbol for a new beginning, maybe that's what this was for her.

She was being cleansed of all the bad, she was making space for more good things to come.

Perhaps she was getting some luck today.

Just as she closed her eyes, relishing in the feeling of self-acceptance, her thoughts were torn away from her.

"Clare?"

No.

No it had to be someone else.

Anyone else.

Turning around, she slowly opened her eyes, her jaw dropping a bit as she noticed the familiar figure in front of her.

"Eli…" she stammered, her eyes looking anywhere but his as she searched for a way out of this.

He looked good.

No, _really _good.

His hair was jet black from the rain, and pushed out of his face as if he'd moved it from his vision once he'd escaped the storm.

He wore a gray tee-shirt, with what she presumed was a band name, a pair of dark jeans, and that leather jacket of his that she had loved so much when they were dating.

"Are you alright?" He asked her, his voice wavering nervously as he gestured to the tears that she hadn't even realized were continuing to fall.

Shaking her head, she laughed pitifully to herself, using the back of her hands to wipe away any evidence that she still cared about him.

That she still bothered to give him a thought.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just…I got in the storm." She answered simply, turning back to look out the window, hoping that he'd just disappear, even though she still had so much to say.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" He asks gently, and she can practically feel the sincerity in his tone.

But she's not buying it.

"No. I don't."

"May I sit?"

"No."  
But he did anyway.

He sat across from her, twiddling his fingers in front of him as his hands rested on the table.

"Why don't you want me to take you home?" He asks her, that gentle sincerity once again dripping from his words like the raindrops trickling from his bangs, but she knows, oh boy does she know that this is all just a part of his plan.

To string her along and then cut the rope as soon as she gets too close.

"I don't want to go home." She answers, and she's proud that she's not lying to him.

She doesn't need to.

"Why is that?"

He's talking to her as if nothing had ever happened.

As if he hadn't told her that everything was her fault.

As if _he _was being 'the better man'.

"Stop, Eli." She whispers, and it pains her to do so, but she turns to face him and their eyes connect, eliciting soft gasps from the two of them at the familiar spark.

Why does there still have to be a spark?

"Why are you even here?" She musters up the courage to ask, their eyes still holding the intense gaze, though the feeling of nostalgia nearly makes her sick.

"I-I'm just visiting." He answered, but his voice as softer, not like he's trying to cheer her up, but like he's trying to keep himself together.

"Congrats…on graduating, by the way."

He tells her, his voice light and casual,

And she can't keep it up anymore.

A bitter laugh escapes her lips and she rushes out of the shop, rain falling over her once again as she squints her eyes to try and make out where she's going.

She didn't run far, but that wasn't her concern.

It wasn't about keeping a distance, it was just about getting away.

Clare gripped her hair between her fingertips and let out a scream, muffled by the storm's loud, angry song.

Her back finds a brick wall and she holds her face in her hands as she cries harder than she ever has.

A year since he left her there.

A year since he told her that she was his problem.

A year since he broke her heart.

And that's all he could muster up.

'Congrats on graduating', as if he was a distant family member that she'd never really gotten to know.

She was so angry, so furious with him.

Why does he get to come back and make her fall for him all over again whenever he wants?

Why does he make her feel this way when she was _so sure _that she hated him?

She wasn't sure how long she stood there, but it couldn't have been more than five minutes, because she felt a strong hand reach out to touch her shoulder, and upon looking up, she noticed that Eli was standing very close to her, staring at her with half-lidded eyes.

She tried to move away, to run home and forget this had ever happened, but his hands moved to her wrists and he pinned her up against the wall, doing everything in his power to keep her there without hurting her.

"I'm not letting you go until you've calmed down." Eli shouted over the loud rainfall, his face close to hers.

She wanted to slap him, to tell him that he is ridiculous for thinking she needs to stop feeling this way.

But- before she could even try, she remembered why he didn't want her running off into the storm, upset with him and not thinking rationally.

"How many times do I have to try to get over you, Eli?" She shouted in response, choking on a sob, tired of all the pain and hurt that this boy has caused her.

He doesn't answer her, but his face fell with the most heartbroken look she'd ever seen.

A look she'd only seen once before.

When he'd been strapped to a hospital bed, and she left him there.

She sees his green eyes looking back at her, she can feel his strong grip holding her against her will.

He was really there.

This wasn't a dream that she could wake up from.

She still had so much to say, so many things were bubbling up inside of her.

But they all were trying to come out at once, and she couldn't find any words that would fit exactly how hurt she was.

So she kissed him.

Hard.

Her lips crashed against his, and he responded immediately, dropping her wrists from his tight grip and moving one hand to hold her waist, using the other the gently cup her cheek, his thumb stroking her soft skin tenderly, even though their kisses conveyed a completely different emotion.

She was angry and confused, but it was all happening so fast, and God, the way his lips made her feel was something she wasn't willing to break away from.

Their teeth clashed, and Eli groaned inwardly as her tongue swiped over his bottom lip, her fingers twisting and pulling on his hair.

He bit her lip softly, gently letting his teeth drag along the skin before connecting their lips again.

They hadn't talked about anything, they hadn't solved any issues, but yet, they couldn't seem to find the will to pull away.

His lips moved to her neck, nipping and sucking in the exact spot she used to love so much, and she couldn't help but let out a gentle whimper at the feeling.

His name tumbled from her lips as if it was second nature, and he breathed harshly against her skin in pure ecstasy.

"I miss you," he pants as his mouth works magic on the nape of her neck.

She clutches his hair tighter between her fingertips, pulling him closer to her, as close as possible because maybe, just maybe, if she holds him tight enough, he'll never have to go.

He'll never leave, and he'll tell her how sorry he is, and they can be happy again.

But does she want that?  
She knows from experience that, if he apologizes, if she takes him back, he'll only do it again.

He'll play his little game, then he'll run away when it stops being fun for him.

They all run away.

Everyone leaves Clare.

He leans his forehead against hers, and their breath mixes between them.

She can't deny that the feeling of their lips connecting is unreal, it can't be associated with anything else, nothing in the world.

-And as much as it pains her, she knows what he has to do here.

"What just happened?" He whispered against her lips, and despite the loud storm, she can hear him perfectly.

Pulling away, she places a hand against his chest, her smile long gone.

"Nothing."


	2. To Make a Scene

Okay so hello.

I actually kind of hate this chapter, and I am really sorry that it's so poorly done!

But regardless of that I'd like to send out a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who liked/reviewed/favorited/read this story.  
You have no idea how much it means to me.

Your comments and contributions literally make my day.

* * *

"Nothing."

He was like glass, so transparent, she could see his very exterior crumbling in front of her.

She'd be lying if she said it didn't hurt, but she couldn't stand there and let herself fall into this trap again.

This game they loved so much.

To breakup, to make up.

It was all so sick.

She could see that he was practically begging her with his eyes.

Begging her not to do it.

But she couldn't stop now.

She shook herself from his grip, and slowly made her way home, leaving the events of that evening in the puddles that trailed behind her.

The rain was slowly beginning to stop, the massive storm turning into a light sprinkle, the sidewalks being illuminated by the streetlights perched at every corner.

She brought her index finger to her lips, still able to feel his kiss from just a few minutes ago, and part of her had wondered if he was going to come after her.

But he didn't.

He didn't say a word as she turned her back and walked away.

For a boy who used to write such beautiful, gripping, emotional pieces, he sure hadn't been very good with his words as of late.

Entering the warm, dark house, Clare shook off her thin cardigan, slinging it over her shoulder as she made her way upstairs, her flats squeaking with each step she took, another small, pathetic reminder that she had once again wasted her time on Elijah Goldsworthy.

Her mother would come home in a few hours, and she'd be furious, of course.

She'd say to her, "Clare Edwards! Have you no common sense? Going out in the rain by yourself in the middle of the night is one thing, but not even bothering to clean up the mess you left in the foyer?"

But at that moment, Clare couldn't bring herself to care.

She couldn't bring herself to do much of anything, really.

She didn't bother to slip out of her wet clothes, or wash her face, or brush her hair. She kicked off her ruined flats, threw her cardigan in the dirty clothes basket and fell onto her bed, wrapping herself in the quilt covers that adorned her bed.

She was at fault, yes, she was at fault for kissing him when all she needed to do was remain calm, and walk away.

Walk away from all the pain and heartbreak that resides in Eli Goldsworthy's every word.

She was at fault for letting her guard down, letting him crawl back into her head.

She _let him _manipulate her. Every single time.

Clare Edwards wasn't one to suffer in silence, and though she had planned to forget the whole ordeal, she wouldn't be able to find peace until there was reassurance that she had done right by walking away.

Reaching into her pocket, Clare found her phone, calling a familiar number and clenching her eyes shut as a tear slid down her cheek.

"Alli? I did something really stupid."

They stayed up talking for hours, tears were shed, and words that Clare Edwards had usually avoided were exploding from her as if she had no other choice but to drench her sentences with vulgarity.

She talked until her throat hurt, until she finally had no choice but to stop and take a huge gasp of air before going off again.

It felt incredible to get all of this off her chest, to scream and rant and say all of the things that she had been keeping in her head for so long.

All these things that have been stuck in the back of her mind, picking and gnawing on any rational thought she had.

"Yeesh, Saint Clare I didn't know you had that in you." Alli said after Clare had finished, her heavy breathing being heard over the receiver.

"Neither did I."

"You know there's still something you have to do, right?"  
"What?"

"Tell him."

…

It had been only three days since Clare had decided to take a walk down this very sidewalk, three days since the rain chased her into The Dot, and three days since she made the mistake of letting herself get wrapped up in the mystery that was her ex-boyfriend.

She walked in slow strides, shoving her hands into the pockets of her turquoise cardigan.

She'd hoped that she could clear her head, that she'd be able to forget about how incredibly infuriated she was with him.

She hoped she'd forget the sincerity in his voice, and the mesmerizing feeling of his lips against hers.

But she couldn't.

No matter how far she walked, he was still right there in her thoughts.

He'd tried to call a number of times, leaving what seemed like hundreds of voicemails, voicemails that Clare never did listen to.

Because she knew that the moment he began talking, all she would hear would be the good things.

How sorry he was, how much he misses her back at school, how he couldn't help what he'd done because it's all a part of the disease, and she 'just doesn't understand'.

She hoped that in at least one of those voicemails, he told her that he was going back to New York.

Forever.

Her eyes were glued to the sidewalk, tracing the jagged patterns that covered the cement.

Crooked, and worn out.

Cracked but still holding itself together.

She chuckled bitterly at the mere thought of comparing herself to concrete of all things.

Is this really what it's come to?

Clare decided that she'd better turn back, go home where she can write and think and be alone with her thoughts, perhaps call Adam, and arrange plans for the two of them when he comes back.

But before she even has the chance to turn away, her body collides with another. A jumble of apologies slips from her mouth and she can feel her cheeks heating up at the embarrassing encounter, staring at the ground once more.

They've both pulled away but the victim of her clumsy nature is still standing there, and Clare Edwards sincerely hopes that it's anyone else's black combat boots that she's looking at.

She lifts her head slowly, and it takes her a moment to really acknowledge the fact that Eli Goldsworthy was once again standing right in front of her.

"Clare," He breathed, looking at her desperately, clinging onto her without ever even having to touch her.

Without a word, she turned from him, letting her feet guide her anywhere but here, and she wasn't surprised when she felt his hand gripping onto her forearm, swiftly ripping it from his grasp and quickening her pace.

"I just want to talk to you!"

Nothing.

"We need to discuss the other night, Clare!"

Nothing.

"You can't just run away from this!"

She stopped.

"Excuse me?" Clare seethed, turning on her heels, her once innocent features contorting into something of a glare, surprising even herself.

Eli took a small step toward her, not saying a word.

"_I'm _running away?" Her words are sharp and strained, she can feel her blood boiling, but nothing's holding her back now.

She chuckles softly, feeling her eyes beginning to sting with tears.

He remained silent, as if willing her to continue.

"How dare you. How dare you have the nerve to speak to me after what you did. You left me there, Eli. You left me at that school alone, standing there like…like an idiot!"

Her shaking voice had grown stronger, finally allowing the walls to crumble, if even just for a couple of minutes.

Alli was right, she had to get this off of her chest.

And this felt even better.

"You told me that everything was my fault; that I was the…the foundation of all the agony you were feeling. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but Clare simply couldn't let that happen.

"I trusted you, I trusted you to stay by my side because I thought that no one else would. You told me during the whole Asher ordeal…you said that we were going to fix it together! I counted on you! We always said that it would be you and me. Forever and always, remember? You made me promise that I was 'all in', that I would be ready to fight for this, for us, but then you just…walked away. You got scared, and you left me there. And then I saw you at The Dot, and I wanted you to apologize! I wanted you to tell me that you were sorry and that you never meant to hurt me. After all that time I spent trying to get over you, doing everything in my power to keep you out of my head, one look at you and I was right back at square one. Right where you want me!"

She took a few heavy breaths, her face becoming red with every word, and though Clare hadn't noticed, she was practically screaming at the boy.

A few eyes had wandered to her little outburst, watching curiously to see if the girl would break again.

And finally, he spoke up.

Tears were slipping down his cheeks, not as freely as Clare's, but evident nonetheless.

"I'm sorry."

His voice was soft and shaking, like he couldn't keep himself together anymore.

"I'm sorry for everything that I said to you. I was scared and stupid and I never deserved to be with someone as incredible, someone as patient and as kind as you are."

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for only a moment before stepping toward her again.

"You wanted to fix me, Clare, and I knew that you couldn't. I knew I was losing you, that you were slipping away. But _none_ of it was your fault."

Clare nodded, urging him to continue.

"I turned to hoarding to make sure Julia never really left, and I turned to drugs to make the images of Cam disappear. None of that was because of you. And I tried to tell you that, Clare. I tried to explain that there was nothing you could do, but you insisted. And when you got too close, I behaved irrationally, I pushed you away. It's what I do. I scare people off. I make bad decisions. But I'm sorry. For everything."

Eli gulped inaudibly, his hands shaking like they did just a few years ago.

She listened carefully as he spoke, sniffling as the tears skimmed down her face.

"Why didn't you come back? You went to prom and then left for New York. You didn't even say goodbye."  
She practically whimpered, feeling herself break beneath his heavy words. She wanted to believe him, to forgive him, to let herself be done with this, but she couldn't.

Not yet.

"I thought you would have wanted me to stay away. I thought you hated me."

Sighing, Eli let out a sad laugh, shaking his head a bit. "-And I didn't go to prom. I don't know if you know this but I was actually going through a pretty serious breakup at the time."

She couldn't help but laugh a little, her reddened face brightening for only a brief second as his wit took her back to a time when things were much easier.

"I couldn't hate you, Eli. I never hated you. I wanted to, believe me. But every time I tried to tell myself that I didn't need you, it only made it all the more clear that I did. I tried to convince myself that I'd get over you, but I couldn't. And I'm just so tired of hurting…"

"I don't want you to hurt anymore."

Her heart warmed at his words, feeling her rationality begin to falter the more sincere he became.

"I want to forgive you." She whispered, he reached out to take each of her hands in his own, his tear stained eyes looking right into hers.

"-But I don't know if I can."

She looked to her feet, removing her hands from his grasp and wiping her tears away.

Nothing ever came to them that easy.

"Y-You kissed me…"

"I know."

"Why?"

"I thought that if I pretended I was okay, that if I let myself get caught up in what my heart wanted, then maybe I'd be able to look past what you did. I thought it would make it better."

She let out a gentle, somewhat accepting sigh, looking up to him again and shaking her head, her curls brushing against her shoulders.

"I was wrong."

It was finally silent, she'd finally said her piece.

And even though everything had been done exactly how she needed to do it, she still felt as though she wasn't ready to let him go.

They remained this way for only a few minutes, staring into each other's eyes, as if saying their goodbyes without actually having to utter the words.

"Clare?" He spoke after a few moments, his soft voice mixing with their serene surroundings in perfect balance.

"Yeah?"

"I…I lied to you…before."

Her eyes narrowed, and she took a small step back, throwing up her defenses once more.

"I didn't come back to see my family…"

His voice quavered, his hands were shaking terribly, and she thought that he'd crumble to the ground at any moment, but he kept his eyes locked with hers.

"I came back for you."

Clare couldn't tell if she was floating or sinking, her heart beat quickly, pounding furiously against her chest. She wanted to hug him and push him away all at the same time.

"What?"

"I'm still in love with you, Clare."

"I…"

"Just tell me, right now, tell me that you don't feel the same way and I'll go back. I'll leave tonight."

Her hands began to shake, and the more she thought of an answer to give him, the less sense it made.

Of course she didn't love him.

He hurt her.

He helped her back up when she had fallen, only to push her back down again once she was back on her feet.

He broke her heart, he hurt her and that is something that cannot be undone with an apology.

She knew what to say, she knew how this would end.

"I'm still in love with you, Eli."


End file.
